Return to Work Nerves!

I was going to write this blog yesterday but Dylan was impossible. He's down for his morning nap after trimming his nails so I finally have some time to think in peace and quiet.

Anyway, yesterday would have been a year since my first day back at work after a long glorious 6 week summer. During that summer I went to the Lake District with Tom for our anniversary and had a wonderful week in Lanzarote with my family. Both trips were incredibly special for separate reasons. 

Tom and I decided to have a staycation to celebrate being married a whole year! That doesn't seem like much when we have been together for 10 years but it was really special or us to enjoy staying in the tiniest cottage just off the main high street in Windermere, enjoying lovely walks, boating on the lake and a wonderful dinner in a Michelin Star restaurant (ooooohhhh fancy!) It really was a wonderful week spending some well needed quality time together without the baggage of working full time.

A week or so after coming home, I flew off to Lanzarote with my mum, aunty, brother and grandad. This trip was an emotional one as it was supposed to be a girls holiday with my mum, aunty and gran but she sadly passed away earlier that year. We decided to turn it into a family holiday in her memory and we scattered her ashes in the sea. It was a special holiday for sure!

When I came home from Lanza the back to work nerves started to kick in. Being off work for 6 weeks is actually a little difficult for a teacher. It's almost like you forget how to teach and have to readjust your body clock to dealing with getting up early again. 

I can never sleep before going back to school. I don't know if it's nerves or excitement as I love my job. Probably a mixture of the two! When you are back in the thick of it with your wonderful colleagues and brilliant teenagers, who are just as thrilled by that 7am alarm clock as you are, it seems like everything is alright again. Routine is back in motion and the boredom of daytime TV ends. 

On that return to work last year, the only person I had to think abut getting out the door was me. Tom was fantastic as he always made sure I had a coffee and breakfast before I ran out the door. It got me thinking about those back to work nerves and how different they will be when I do return to work in March.

Now I know what you are all thinking... "you have loads of time! Why are you even thinking about work?" but I must admit it is on my mind. Every time I think about it I get those butterflies and nerves.

This time it will be different as it won't just be me to get organised. It will be Tom and I getting ourselves and pickle organised too. It will be dropping him off at nursery and missing him throughout the day. It will be using work as an escape from being mum but inevitably having to deal with other peoples children because that is the career I chose. It will be coming home exhausted and worrying about whether I have the energy to play, chat and love my son for the few hours he is awake before it's his bed time. All this I worry about. On top of marking, planning and remembering how to bloody teach! 

I don't want The Child to ever resent me for working. Teaching is hard graft and the hours are unpredictable. Despite what non-teachers think, it's not always possible and in fact very rare to clock off at 3 and return home to my baby. It is also not possible to spend all of my holidays frolicking in parks and eating ice cream as books need marking, data needs imputing and lessons need tweaking ready for the beginning of each new half term. I am very career driven and I worry this will be my Achilles Heel having to chose between my career and my son sometimes.

It's a no brainer right? 

I guess I wont know until I go back and for now that anxiety can be packed away in a little box in my brain and not unlocked until March.

Another reason why I am thinking about it is because I am thinking about childcare options. I don't have a bloody clue where to begin. Childcare options are limited in our family as we are in Manchester, Tom's parents are in Devon, his brother and wife (to be) are in London, my mum and brother are in Glasgow and my dad is in Qatar. We have no choice but to put the wee man into nursery or a child minder 3 days a week. There are a few concerns I have:

1) There are so many choices given the fact we live in such a big city so what do we chose? Childminder or nursery?

2) It's so EXPENSIVE!!!!

On top of coming the end of a years worth of maternity pay it's a bitter pill to swallow. I think I worked out the average cost for 3 days full time is about £540 if we go on a 4 week average per month. I know it's not an exact science but its a rough ball park figure to work with!

Why on earth are parents penalised for returning to full time work to give their child the best possible life and end up working a day or two for free because childcare costs are ridiculous.

I have time to think about things I guess.

On a more positive note (excuse the pun) A year ago yesterday we found out we were pregnant with Dylan. I cannot believe it has been a year since that special day. It's funny really because I had a feeling I was pregnant but I had only come off the pill 3 months so my cycles were everywhere. I had no idea it was going to happen so fast! I was a bit sick in Lanzarote but I put that down to drinking far too much alcohol (sorry child, didn't give you the best start but in fairness I had no idea you existed for most of my holiday). I then was late but this wasn't the first time it happened given the random cycles I was having and I put it down to being super chilled on holiday. It was on the Monday morning when I was in the shower that it suddenly dawned on me that I could be. My boobs were killing me and I felt sick brushing my teeth. I tried to put it to the back of my mind by convincing myself it was return to work nerves but I couldn't shake the feeling that I might be.

On my way home from work I bought a test and did it when Tom and I were at home. It was positive and here we are a year on with the biggest pain in the backside who is going through leap 4 and really testing my patience.

We love you child, really we do!

Anyway, sorry it's such a long one but my god I feel a lot better. Blogging seems to be my therapy for the moment and if one person reads it or 100 people read it I am getting my thoughts out of my head and onto this web page.

Urggghh the baby is now awake now with hiccups too so got to run!

Lots of love!

Theresa